I haven't written in a while. I've mostly been taking time for myself and honestly just enjoying this season of peace I am in. This season of calm...for the first time in my life, and I don't want it to end. I'm used to always waiting for the next thing or being stuck in some kind of storm. In a lot of ways, I had grown used to my life being "out of control" for one reason or another. I am actually and truly enjoying the present. Not just surviving it. And for that, I am so thankful.
I was hit with a lot of grief a couple months ago around the 6 month mark of my dad's passing. It began to really sink in that he's gone. And not coming back. In my head, he was just at a very long extended shift at the hospital. But as my 27th birthday approached, it hit me.
My dad always loved celebrating my birthday. He would take June 1st off every year, even if I had other plans. He even would usually start asking me a month or 2 prior what I wanted for my birthday. He loved giving gifts.
I spent a lot of time grieving leading up to my birthday. In fact, I dreaded it. And the people close to me knew how much I was dreading it. I couldn't fathom a birthday without my dad's goofy birthday texts or calling/texting me at 10:08pm--my birth minute.
But as my birthday approached (as in the week of) I suddenly didn't dread it so much. I decided I was going to spend the day with some special people in my life. My dad would want me to be happy.
My birthday came. I woke up beside the man who loves me and went off to work.
My school had also planned a field trip for that afternoon. I can't tell you the immense joy it brought me to spend my day with my coworkers and students, and seeing my students so happy. They each have a special place in my heart.
When we got back to the school, one of my coworkers had surprised me with a birthday cake. So I got to celebrate with my kids and work family. I was so happy.
I went out to dinner that evening with my boyfriend, best friend, and sister (who is also my best friend). I guess my boyfriend is my best friend too, so I got to spend the day with all of my best friends haha.
After we went back to Jared's for presents and a cake that he baked me from scratch complete with a broccoli on it (I LOVE broccoli).
Then 10:08pm came. I cried many tears thinking about that minute coming and going without hearing from my dad. Well, I got so distracted watching a giant spider on Jared's front porch catching mosquitoes that before I knew it my birth minute had passed.
My therapy for that day? Living each moment. And not living in fear for what it might be like without my dad. But rather enjoying it for what it was, with some people who love me most.
Aside from getting through my birthday, things in my life really are calm, and over all, I am happy.
There are only 6 days of school left in the school year. I can't believe I am nearing the last week of my first year of my dream job.
I also started a pretty strict workout regimen again, and I am loving my results so far! It's called BBG (Bikini Body Guides by Kayla Itsines, later renamed "Sweat with Kayla"). I am currently nearing the end of week 7. The workouts consist of alternating every other day circuits and cardio. The circuits are high intensity and utilize weights and mostly anything you can find at home!
I love being able to put more focus on my health now that things are calm and stable.
My boyfriend and I have also spent many hours working on his yard. It's always fun to see the progress... :)
I spent a while talking to my dad in the car today...telling him about how I hope that he is so happy wherever he is. I told him how it broke my heart that he was always in pain. And expressed my sorrow that he never got to meet Jared. But I am moving forward with my life, and I know he would be so happy and proud. He was always proud of me no matter what I was going through.
It's interesting being able to have the courage to verbalize things to him now that I could only ever put in writing.
Be blessed everyone. <3