This post is going to take a lot of vulnerability for me to write about and share. But I feel led to do so because of the first part of the message that Fr. Kenneth gave at church yesterday. The topic was inheritance.
Simply put, I did not receive a dime of my dad's assets after he passed away. What I did receive were the things he had already given to me or I to him. This shocked me only because I knew he really wanted me to be taken care of. It was something he had expressed a desire in doing my whole life, before he got sick with cancer. Even if he couldn't at the time, there was always an expressed desire of the ways he would have liked to or planned to in the future. He worked so hard to provide for his family, that I thought I would receive a little something after his passing that I could put towards a wedding or my own children someday.
Months followed my dad's passing, and I never received any sort of letter or phone call from anyone. I would be lying if I said there wasn't a part of me that waited to hear from somebody. It wasn't even so much the desire to obtain a sum of money, but I felt forgotten. The money, or the receiving of an inheritance, to me represented one final way of being thought of and taken care of by my dad. It was the idea of being and feeling forgotten that upset me the most.
I struggled with this. I even found myself angry with my dad for a short time. I worked so hard on myself for years to have a healthy relationship with him. Lying to him about why I was in therapy so he wouldn't feel badly about his shortcomings that hurt me. I put my heart and soul into making all the visitation, funeral and burial arrangements for my dad that would honor him the most and bring forth a message that he had been saved and had indeed gone Home. Why was it that I did all this work and in the end he forgot about me?
I have always been very aware of my grief process, so I knew this was part of the grieving. But I also found myself struggling with lies. Lies that I was not taken care of. Lies that I was not loved. Lies that I had been rejected and that my dad did not love me. I was angry with myself for feeling anger in my heart towards him being that he was gone. But I let myself feel the anger so I could let it go. I knew this was part of the process of me going to new levels of forgiveness and healing towards my dad, even though it was hard.
I prayed that God would speak His truth into the situation. Doing this very grieving and praying at Jared's house it hit me. I distinctly remember feeling God saying to me, "But look what I have given you."
My dad may not have left me an inheritance, but the blessings that were brought into my life following his death have beyond exceeded any money I could have received from him.
God brought me love: a man who has done nothing but selflessly love, support, and take care of me since we began dating.
God brought me a home.
God brought me my dream job.
I have been constantly surrounded by loved ones.
And I have always had my faith.
Once I sat back and reflected on this truth, I realized that I wouldn't have traded any of this for any sort of earthly inheritance. Because I am loved. I am taken care of. And I am worthy.
This continued healing helped me to reach even more depths of healing and forgiveness towards my dad. The forgiveness allowing me to grow an even deeper love for him.
The inheritance that we, all of humanity, are called to is one that far outweighs anything this earth can bring us--even greater than our greatest blessings that keep us going and holding on. We just need to keep trusting in the hope of the inheritance of a greater Kingdom and clinging to the truth that such an inheritance is available to us now if we believe.
God...God is everything. His love is everything. And his blessings remind us that there are greater things ahead if we keep holding on.
Hearing Fr. Kenneth preach yesterday morning on inheritance was so affirming to the healing that has taken place in my heart. I could listen to a sermon on it and instead of feeling bitterness, feel praise and wrapped in God's love.
He is calling us to so much more, so don't get caught up in petty earthly things that might drag you or your heart down. And don't base your self worth on earthly things.
You are loved beyond measure.
You are taken care of and have all you need in Christ.
You are worthy.